it has only been a year, okay so 1 year, 1 month and a week since we lost Ava.
And last night.
"We need to pray for a little girl who is having a biopsy tomorrow morning"
(right now, as I type this).
I find myself running from this prayer, wanting to write wanting to think but not wanting to turn to God and ask again.
Lord let it not be so. Lord please let it not be so.
My boys just left for school, John to the office. They are the world to me, they are whom God has given to me.
There is a song that our church uses for worship and the words "You Give and You Take Away" are never words that I sing lightly. (and sometimes, most of the time I don't sing them, I just pause and pick up later)
I don't know that my faith would hold up.
But Lord help me to go to you in prayer this morning for this child, for her mother and family. That you know that their faith can stand and that they know that you are praying for them that they will not fail.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Another Day
Does shattered glass mean a shattered day? No. It simply means a rule broken, painful love, restoration andI REALIZE how Thankful I am that there was glass to be broken.
Pictures, I stare at them after bedtime, I pray for these faces throughout my days. Moments by moment. The glass protects the images but as I look at my wall now, 3 with gloss and shine and realize that the one without the sheen is the one most real, most touchable it is that without the covering that I can see most clearly.
Lord help me now as I am listening to tears. Two were supposed to be separated, sitting in bed waiting for me to calm down. But someone has fallen which means a posterior was not properly posted; it means more correction, more pain and more love.
WHEN there is pain in our days there is more grace, more love and more growth.
In our Home, it isn't these faces that need the most grace it is the typest. It isn't the children that need to draw nearer it is me.
It isn't easy and I tire, but Lord I ask for patience, for kindness, mercy, energy, perseverance, clarity. I ask Lord that you help me see as you see, that you would make me grateful for every single moment, ever single fracture.
Thank YOU for your words that frame each moment of my life.
I pray today for Kenya, for older sister, for signed papers, for coffee conversations and chips and salsa. I pray for water and suits for words that will be shared. I pray for silent dreams and unmet realities.
I pray that today I would look towards HEAVEN, that I would be ready that I would stand before you unworthy yet faithful. I Believe in You, I Believe in Him. Help me Lord to see from your view and not my own.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Jude - A couple of things
This boy is almost 5 years old WOW!
There are a couple of things that I think about when Jude flitters across my mind...
I smile and still think to myself, he is our Asher, our happy.
His teacher stopped me at Gatorland a couple of weeks ago and said "I just want to tell you about Jude" (in her beautiful British accent) "we had just finished packing up at circle time and Jude stood up threw up his hands in the air and said "I love school" "he just takes everything in, he is so observent and involved, I don't really know what to call if but it is very unique to Jude"
I call it....JOY
Jude's birthday is coming up and Mrs. Chong sent a note home with the upcoming Birthday celebration dates. Jude says, "Mom, I am at the top of the list" explaining to him that it did not mean his birthday was tomorrow was interesting! We took down the calendar and started crossing off days...currently 23 days and counting...excitingly
so at the Drake home Birthday's mean fun stuff, you set the meal, the activity, you get to celebrate at school and of course Mother serenades you each moment with one of many I love you birthday songs :).
Jude was thinking about what dessert he wanted at school...here are him comments
"Star Wars - Drew loves Star Wars"
"Mom Spiderman - Spiderman is Max's favorite"
"Mom, Caroline loves Cats!"
I said, Jude honey, what is your favorite it is your birthday...
"vanilla with icing" then right away "mom can we have an everything cake so everyone can have their favorite"
This is our Jude, obviously not "ours" because niether of his parents only think about others but OUR GIFT, Thank You Jesus!
***another story just because***
Last Wednesday morning, Jude decided to come and start working in the kitchen..Now this is not new, he is my cookie making dropping (onto cookiesheets) sidekick, but this time it was DIFFERENT. He went to the drawer grabbed a knife and started putting jelly on the boys English Muffins. THEN....a couple of hours later Mom and Dudley were here, we got home and are sitting in the front room and I hear quite the banging, jumping, climbing noises from the kitchen.
Now remember I have boys, this doesn't alarm me, there are no shreeks or screams or loud crashes so I just continue enjoying our visit.
Jump, feet feet feet feet - 2 cups on the table
banging, climbing, feet feet feet feet feet - 2 more cups on the table
this continues until there are 7 cups total and feet feet feet I hear the fridge open and close feet feet feet feet he fills all 7 cups and hands out 3 of them (there were only 4 people in the house at the time) after beautiful smiles of delight at the thanks he received he goes and sits at the table watching the other cups....
glancing sideways from time to time and I see these words....these are for everyone but not for Jude "Jude, I say, thank you so much for my water, would you please join us and have one too" Yes! he says and drinks down the water quickly. Then he comes and sits, his brother plays piano and Jude watches
WATCHES (always watching, always listening)
sure enough mom finished her water, he grabbed it right away and refilled it. When Julian was done the water adventure soon finished, I cleaned up the cups and the boys enjoyed the visit as well. But Jude
he's changing somehow, older, wiser, more capable yes, but his heart is growing, not fuller of himself but fuller of others. WOW, i smile, our Asher.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Julian Again
Ahhh A-Mazing 7
It felt like a fairly typical Saturday morning, I guess except for the fact that John was on his way home from Malawi.
The boys were just snuggled in bed next to me, racing each other for the first good morning kiss so whoever was first got to pick breakfast that morning. Jude ran off to go get dressed, I thought that Julian was headed to do the same, but he quickly returned with his gameboy and got back under the covers.
"Sound on or off mom", he asks, "off", I reply (as always)
I laid there trying to keep warm a few more moments (it had gotten into the 40's the night before and the kitchen window wouldn't close, so the house was Cold!)
But oh the Warmth of Love a lazy Saturday morning brings.
then...here it came....
"Mom" (still playing game boy) "(friend from school) has lied to me twice"
"I'm sorry honey, it is hard when your friends are dishonest with you"
"Mom, she isn't dishonest, she usually tells the truth but she has lied to me two times"
wait a moment, not sure how to respond and then here..... BEAUTIFUL WORDS
"Mom, did Dad ever lie to you?"
I cannot describe how that question has turned my insides out, he is 7 and already holding his parents relationship as a standard. He already recognizes what he wants and what is important and even though he could never articulate that he is evaluating "is this someone I should invest in?!"
"No honey, Daddy doesn't lie to Mommy" "Honey, (I ask) do you think Daddy would want to be married to Mommy if she lied to him"
"No" he responds nonchalantly
and as quickly as the conversation began it was over.
There he was, a little boy, playing his Mario Land video game, thinking BIG thoughts.
My heart is glad, John is his Daddy and God is his Father. He knows, He believes, He gets it
Thank you Lord for the glimpse of his heart and his ponderings.
It felt like a fairly typical Saturday morning, I guess except for the fact that John was on his way home from Malawi.
The boys were just snuggled in bed next to me, racing each other for the first good morning kiss so whoever was first got to pick breakfast that morning. Jude ran off to go get dressed, I thought that Julian was headed to do the same, but he quickly returned with his gameboy and got back under the covers.
"Sound on or off mom", he asks, "off", I reply (as always)
I laid there trying to keep warm a few more moments (it had gotten into the 40's the night before and the kitchen window wouldn't close, so the house was Cold!)
But oh the Warmth of Love a lazy Saturday morning brings.
then...here it came....
"Mom" (still playing game boy) "(friend from school) has lied to me twice"
"I'm sorry honey, it is hard when your friends are dishonest with you"
"Mom, she isn't dishonest, she usually tells the truth but she has lied to me two times"
wait a moment, not sure how to respond and then here..... BEAUTIFUL WORDS
"Mom, did Dad ever lie to you?"
I cannot describe how that question has turned my insides out, he is 7 and already holding his parents relationship as a standard. He already recognizes what he wants and what is important and even though he could never articulate that he is evaluating "is this someone I should invest in?!"
"No honey, Daddy doesn't lie to Mommy" "Honey, (I ask) do you think Daddy would want to be married to Mommy if she lied to him"
"No" he responds nonchalantly
and as quickly as the conversation began it was over.
There he was, a little boy, playing his Mario Land video game, thinking BIG thoughts.
My heart is glad, John is his Daddy and God is his Father. He knows, He believes, He gets it
Thank you Lord for the glimpse of his heart and his ponderings.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Love my Julian
Julian received $96 between his birthday and Christmas this year. He put it in an envelope in his drawer.Jump rope for heart came up at his school and he decided that he wanted to give $80 towards saving hearts.
A friend brought a "wocket in his pocket" for Dr. Seuss Wedensday this week. It was a "gogo" - new toy, of course, available at Walgreens. Persistently yet politely for the past 5 days he asked if I could please take him to the store.
This morning he showed up in my room, dressed for church and announced "I have $16 in my pocket, I am ready to go to Walgreens". So, after church we "gogo". $1.99 a packet for a packet of 3. He immediately picked up a package for him and handed one to his brother and turned to go check out.
I walked along speachless.
He came home put his money on the table and they played gogo battle's for hours this afternoon.
Then...
I'm cooking dinner and the boys are picking up the house, he run's in the kitchen. "Mom give the rest of this to Africa Windmill Project, send it to Dad!"
What in the world?.
I stand amazed at his priorities at his convictions at his matter of fact way of picking up one for himself and one for his brother. He isn't greedy, he isn't frivilous,
He is wonderful.
Son - I watch you Amazed at your heart, Amazed at your perspective. Thank you for teaching me today. Thank you so much for the man you have decided to become. I love you.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Here
To know know know him is to love love love him, and I do….yes I do.
As of late this song plays through my head, it fills my soul with happiness – this is how I feel about God.
Roller Coaster – my emotions have been upside down, twisty turvy, curvy swurvy all over the place, but I have landed right here.
HERE – 2011’s word. I am borrowing it from Ann at www.holyexperience.com --only because she has a better way with words then I. Yet it sums up the conclusion I came to a couple of weeks ago. I can’t meet God anywhere but where I am. He isn’t in the tomorrow when my thoughts drift. He isn’t even in an hour from now on my “to do” list. He is right here with me.
It was a lonely afternoon on 1/1/11. I found myself wanting to sulk, but as I looked out my window for what seemed the hundredth time I heard a choice. You can be sad, you can wish for something or you can take this time and be with me. God wants me to be with him and you know what, I want to be with him to. He is my portion, he is my fill, he is more than enough for me. I choose joy. Right here right now, this very moment is perfect….perfectly his.
I was reading about practicing his presence. The practice of turning my thoughts to God 1 second out of every minute. Honestly, I still have absolutely no idea how to do this, but I know that I need to. I want him to author each moment of my life. I am so thankful for forgivness, grace, mercy and I am greedy. God says rest in me, trust in me, acknowledge me and I will make your path straight. So on top of the forgivness, grace and mercy I want a straight path, rest and it feels good, right, peaceful, perfect.
There have been many things floating around in my head.
Jesus’ first 30 years – he lived, he worked, he took care of family—God lived on Earth, he grew up a Jewish first born son almost 2000 years ago. I read a book about a guy who decided to live like Jesus did for one year and learned a lot about what he would have eaten, wore, and learned. It made me realize that I tend to focus on what the last 3 years of his life looked like and haven’t paid much attention to the other part, the 90% of his life as a man.
If I want to draw closer to Jesus a test of what that will look like is this…Do I love people better? – Pastor Isaac asked this question. After reading Radical I found myself judging people rather than loving people, pushing people away rather than being patient with them. Fortunately I realized very soon that just because it seems easier to look around me it isn’t what Jesus says to do. To look within, to judge myself to push away the parts of me that need removed is HARD, is NECESSARY. Radical by David Platt has helped with that, going to Malawi helped with that, reading Gods word is absolutely crucial to this process.
I am reading Dallas Willard’s, A Divine Conspiracy and LOVE it. I just ordered it on CD so John, the boys and I can listen to it this spring as we drive to and from Okeechobee. Dacia let me borrow it and I can see why she likes it so much – it is hard to read technically. I have to slow down, read and reread. I have to be present, my mind cannot wander. In its own way it is helping me to prepare to be here.
To know what my skin is touching, to drive my car and remember how I got to my destination, the faces I passed, the people I saw. To listen to Julians words, Judes words and not just answer. To hear them, to see them, to watch them. To be thankful with each breath I take, for that breath. To know as I breathe I can speak Gods name, I want to.
SLOW is where I need to go.
As of late this song plays through my head, it fills my soul with happiness – this is how I feel about God.
Roller Coaster – my emotions have been upside down, twisty turvy, curvy swurvy all over the place, but I have landed right here.
HERE – 2011’s word. I am borrowing it from Ann at www.holyexperience.com --only because she has a better way with words then I. Yet it sums up the conclusion I came to a couple of weeks ago. I can’t meet God anywhere but where I am. He isn’t in the tomorrow when my thoughts drift. He isn’t even in an hour from now on my “to do” list. He is right here with me.
It was a lonely afternoon on 1/1/11. I found myself wanting to sulk, but as I looked out my window for what seemed the hundredth time I heard a choice. You can be sad, you can wish for something or you can take this time and be with me. God wants me to be with him and you know what, I want to be with him to. He is my portion, he is my fill, he is more than enough for me. I choose joy. Right here right now, this very moment is perfect….perfectly his.
I was reading about practicing his presence. The practice of turning my thoughts to God 1 second out of every minute. Honestly, I still have absolutely no idea how to do this, but I know that I need to. I want him to author each moment of my life. I am so thankful for forgivness, grace, mercy and I am greedy. God says rest in me, trust in me, acknowledge me and I will make your path straight. So on top of the forgivness, grace and mercy I want a straight path, rest and it feels good, right, peaceful, perfect.
There have been many things floating around in my head.
Jesus’ first 30 years – he lived, he worked, he took care of family—God lived on Earth, he grew up a Jewish first born son almost 2000 years ago. I read a book about a guy who decided to live like Jesus did for one year and learned a lot about what he would have eaten, wore, and learned. It made me realize that I tend to focus on what the last 3 years of his life looked like and haven’t paid much attention to the other part, the 90% of his life as a man.
If I want to draw closer to Jesus a test of what that will look like is this…Do I love people better? – Pastor Isaac asked this question. After reading Radical I found myself judging people rather than loving people, pushing people away rather than being patient with them. Fortunately I realized very soon that just because it seems easier to look around me it isn’t what Jesus says to do. To look within, to judge myself to push away the parts of me that need removed is HARD, is NECESSARY. Radical by David Platt has helped with that, going to Malawi helped with that, reading Gods word is absolutely crucial to this process.
I am reading Dallas Willard’s, A Divine Conspiracy and LOVE it. I just ordered it on CD so John, the boys and I can listen to it this spring as we drive to and from Okeechobee. Dacia let me borrow it and I can see why she likes it so much – it is hard to read technically. I have to slow down, read and reread. I have to be present, my mind cannot wander. In its own way it is helping me to prepare to be here.
To know what my skin is touching, to drive my car and remember how I got to my destination, the faces I passed, the people I saw. To listen to Julians words, Judes words and not just answer. To hear them, to see them, to watch them. To be thankful with each breath I take, for that breath. To know as I breathe I can speak Gods name, I want to.
SLOW is where I need to go.
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