Ava

Julian just brought down the picture he had in his room of Tracy, Aaron, Jada, Ella, Ava and him. My thoughts are consistent, God please heal Ava, God please heal Ava, but he hasn't she is still in ICU, her left side is showing signs of connection, but miraculous I don't know.

Yes, she survived surgery, the swelling and bleeding are contained and she is almost out of the woods, but try as I might this isn't how I remember God and Jesus's miracles working so what is up.

I find myself trying to create a formula in my mind, okay the dad had taken his son to all of the doctors, the deciples had tried to heal him so finally Jesus healed his son. Do we have to try all of the doctors before God will heal her. I don't know.

Chemotherapy is not a route as a mom I could ever imagine having to choose, shouldn't God want to work before they have to put this in her body. Is this my desire or his...well, it seems to align with his desire, his word, but apparently for now it isn't. Ugh.

Now, God is way smarter, way more loving, way more kind then I am. He knows Ava's middle name, how tall she is and what she weighs, I don't. But my mind, my soul, my emotion is caught up-going to him, seeking his face, asking for him to work his miracle through her. I don't want Chemo or doctors to be given the glory, I want God to be given the glory...truth is I just want God to heal her. See I had a mass in my uterus and God took it away but have I given him the glory. Sure when someone asks about my testimony I mention it, but do I really acknowledge what he did for me in that act, I don't.

Honestly I didn't even know it was gone until they went to measure it two days before the surgery, it didn't feel miraculous, it was just gone. But how my life changed when I knew what God had done was immeasurable. For the first time I knew what forgiveness looked like, I knew that God knew me and forgave me and I was for the first time able to forgive myself. I can never look at a person and think they are terrible, I look at them and think they need God and they need to accept his grace, his mercy and forgive themselves, and follow him.

I've been praying for someone else over the last couple of months that God would take away his HIV, but you know he still has it, a couple of weeks ago he had blood work done and his levels weren't great, HIV was still there, but then you know what happened because he had HIV someone paid a little closer attention to him and it will change his life for good.

So God I want Ava better now please, but I trust you, I trust you, you are good and all you do is good, thank you for that. Show me Lord how to glorify you in all that I do, show me how to point to you, show me how to share what you have done for me.

I'm glad I can still pray God please heal Ava and yes the word nag comes to mind or being a persistent friend, but God hears me and knows what is best.

Choices

Today we learned about Day 6 about how God made man in his image. Explaining "image" to a 4 and 6 1/2 year old was a little intimadating but thankfully NTM broke it down for me...

1. Spirit & Soul
2. Will
3. Emotion

The will part was amazing, here we were talking about how God gave us a will, the ability to choose and make decisions and it (our NTM BFF curriculum) has us ask the questions...
Do you choose to believe that God is the creator of heaven, earth, the waters above and below the sky, angels, sun, moon, stars, plants, trees, land creatures, sea creatures, flying creatures and man.
Do you choose to believe that God did author the bible, that he miraculously worked thru 40 men to pen his letter over a period of 1600 years to people that they might know him not only through what he has made but through his words to us.

Wow, so here goes the hard part, realizing that although I know what I want my children's answers to be I have no place making that choice for them, so as impartially as I can I asked the questions. This might not seem like a big deal, but did I mention that I have a 4 year old and a 6 1/2 year old who love to argue, to disagree with me simply because I am mom and surely there are things that I don't really know.

They answered yes and each described what they believed about God, what he created and the bible. I wish I had a camera or knew shorthand and was able to capture their words at this moment, all I could do was cry and say I believe that too. We prayed together that this would always be their choice that they would always know God by looking at what he has made and reading his letter to them. If Julian, If Jude make the choice every day to believe God they will change the world in which the live. It won't be an easy life but a life full of purpose all for the honor and glory of God.

I'm trying not to rush to Jesus, trying to really work thru the bible one step at a time, but this morning I was able to catch a glimpse of their hearts, of what they understand and believe and it was beautiful. When Jude was a baby and would laugh, I always thought to myself "Here is my little Asher whose laugh must make the angels sing" but today I thought Praise you God for placing your spirit within these boys for opening their eyes to your truth. Their words explaining their belief surely made angels sing this morning.

Trying to Focus

So yesterday morning we found out that Ava was in surgery. My first thought was, well we know Ava will be fine, but what about the rest of us. Yikes.

God promises that he will work all things together for the good of those who love him. I double checked yesterday and sure enough Romans Chapter 8 there it is. It even tells us that when we don't know what to pray for that is okay because God's spirit within us will talk to God for us -- okay mind boggling, defnitely.

I feel like she is ever present on my heart and mind, hopefully that is praying what is meant by praying without ceasing. I can't seem to pray that the chemo will work or that the doctors will do their best...I just offer up the bucket.... Dear God, Heal Ava and please please please Lord do it here on Earth now would be good!

So anyways I am still a wife, still a mom and am supposed to continue my life when all I want to do is wait and see what God does. I feel like I am on the edge of my seat waiting for the typed line..."Ava is better, headaches are gone and you know what we can't even tell they did surgery yesterday".