Ava

Julian just brought down the picture he had in his room of Tracy, Aaron, Jada, Ella, Ava and him. My thoughts are consistent, God please heal Ava, God please heal Ava, but he hasn't she is still in ICU, her left side is showing signs of connection, but miraculous I don't know.

Yes, she survived surgery, the swelling and bleeding are contained and she is almost out of the woods, but try as I might this isn't how I remember God and Jesus's miracles working so what is up.

I find myself trying to create a formula in my mind, okay the dad had taken his son to all of the doctors, the deciples had tried to heal him so finally Jesus healed his son. Do we have to try all of the doctors before God will heal her. I don't know.

Chemotherapy is not a route as a mom I could ever imagine having to choose, shouldn't God want to work before they have to put this in her body. Is this my desire or his...well, it seems to align with his desire, his word, but apparently for now it isn't. Ugh.

Now, God is way smarter, way more loving, way more kind then I am. He knows Ava's middle name, how tall she is and what she weighs, I don't. But my mind, my soul, my emotion is caught up-going to him, seeking his face, asking for him to work his miracle through her. I don't want Chemo or doctors to be given the glory, I want God to be given the glory...truth is I just want God to heal her. See I had a mass in my uterus and God took it away but have I given him the glory. Sure when someone asks about my testimony I mention it, but do I really acknowledge what he did for me in that act, I don't.

Honestly I didn't even know it was gone until they went to measure it two days before the surgery, it didn't feel miraculous, it was just gone. But how my life changed when I knew what God had done was immeasurable. For the first time I knew what forgiveness looked like, I knew that God knew me and forgave me and I was for the first time able to forgive myself. I can never look at a person and think they are terrible, I look at them and think they need God and they need to accept his grace, his mercy and forgive themselves, and follow him.

I've been praying for someone else over the last couple of months that God would take away his HIV, but you know he still has it, a couple of weeks ago he had blood work done and his levels weren't great, HIV was still there, but then you know what happened because he had HIV someone paid a little closer attention to him and it will change his life for good.

So God I want Ava better now please, but I trust you, I trust you, you are good and all you do is good, thank you for that. Show me Lord how to glorify you in all that I do, show me how to point to you, show me how to share what you have done for me.

I'm glad I can still pray God please heal Ava and yes the word nag comes to mind or being a persistent friend, but God hears me and knows what is best.