Today...

Just reread the post from before the trip and am so thankful, Jesus sure did answer those prayers.  It was a great trip, I love talking about Jesus, who he is and what his life and death means for us, for me.

just wanting to record our day....

I woke up sometime in the middle of the night to read...Finished up Just Courage yesterday and then started reading Little Princes.  There is something about books, books about people, real people, that God is using, that are available to him that I am so hungry for.  Clinging to scripture, Hungry for truth.  I realized today that I am normal, at least when compared to these stories and scripture.  We are supposed to feel foreign in the world, we are supposed to be in dark places shining light, we are supposed to love, to forgive, to encourage, to discipline.

I am a mom, it defines so much of my life, my time, my thoughts, yet it isn't who I am.  Just a girl in love with her savior, more then anything.  Jesus has done so much, been so kind to me, I don't want to ever miss him.  Today I was reading my book about 8:45 and my littles come in wondering where the tray is that has legs that can go on a bed....

Clue #1, they had made me breakfast in bed and their Daddy had helped.  It isn't mother's day or my birthday just this day when they wanted to cook me breakfast.  This was better then reading (although I did wonder if Connor was ever going to get on that helicopter), this was two little boys and their dad trying their best to care for me.  I don't deserve it and I sure didn't expect it, but I treasured it all day.

Jude asked me walking into church when I said thank you again. "Mom, why do you keep saying that. " Because I am Thankful, even when sometimes I feel complicated.  I see these amazing little treasures, blessings of my boys and am so thankful.

Leah was at church :).  We got to listen to an amazing sermon about Jesus and how he flips our life upside down. And Stacey came in to say hello before she ran over to the 12:30 service.  And I saw Carrie who just started giving regularly to AWP and is the boys Sunday school teacher. We even got to carry some stuff into a pod and have lunch with some of my closest friends.

When Meghan walked down front and sat down by John, this actually ran through my head..."if something ever happens to me, I sure do want John to merry Meghan", I shared that with her at lunch and I think that she didn't expect those words to come out of my mouth.  I am surrounded by these amazing, beautiful, smart, compassionate women and John so deserves someone like that.  So if something ever does happen to me, I sure do hope she remembers what I said!!

I also got to bump into a new friend, a young lady I met briefly almost a month ago.

Then texting (when I don't want to bother but I so want the person to know we are thinking of them) and Nick said...."Jess says come visit" Okay could this day get any better?  YES!  I walked into the house opened my recipe note and Lindsey's oatmeal bake was right on top.  I had those ingredients and wa la, 1 oatmeal bake in the oven for 30 minutes, I had some time so then EPI app'd quiche and found this little recipe for broccoli cheddar crustless quiches that could be ready in 25 minutes.  WOW, two dishes to take for breakfast and no grocery store run required, we even had tons of cuties we could take over :).

Still Better, John comes in and asks when I will be ready to go, he had been texting with Nick and the whole family was going.  I got to visit with Jessica, I hadn't seen her but briefly Saturday morning since Lego land and have missed her so much!!  So we were able to visit for 45 minutes or so.  Our talks are always on mission and I just love her honesty and matter of factness.

We picked up a pizza and headed home for the KU game, some basketball with dad and a little movie action for mom and Jude.

Jude snuggled me the entire movie.

We tucked the boys in and John says what are you doing, I was heading to bed so tired and he says "Do you want to talk for a minute"   YES!!  I cannot believe how blessed I am to be loved so much, my life is so full it feels so surreal.

John had been visiting with a friend about today's sermon, he was quoting scripture to me and talking about Jesus and I just melt.  Help me Lord, grant me patience and give me the eyes to see.  Please don't let me get in the way of you, your will, your path, your plan.

Just another day.

Leaving Tomorrow

It was hard tonight....hit me like a ton of bricks. I am leaving tonight, so excited to be in Malawi again, but my very heart is here at home. Julian and Jude and I spend all of our time together, a couple times a month I am off for a couple hours without them, but other than that we are together.

Was I surprised that Jude was grumpy all day? YES
Did I think that today would be perfect, easy and only fun? YES

My prayer is this, that I would follow Jesus even when it is hard, even when my eyes fill with tears at the very thought. Follow, Die, Follow Die.

Will my children ever know why their mom went to Malawi, not just once now, but twice. Why did God ask us to go, to care, to love. I told John that I hoped this was the last time I had to leave them behind, I just want them with me, I want them to see what we see, to know what we know and to care, to love as well.

John and I think and pray for Malawi every day, pictures scroll through our living room, keeping us there, not letting us forget or walk away. It almost feels like it could get lost from us if we stop going, stop talking, stop reading, stop seeing. We are holding on tight to Jesus and he keeps taking us back to Malawi.

Isaac talked about God speaking. Amy (or Lisa) said "God speaks", truly he does. Audibly, subtly, internally, through nature, through people, through miracles. The last words I heard from God were over a year ago now. "I use my people". I pray that I become someone that he can use, someone at his very disposal to do with as he pleases.

I want to be moldable, I want to only think about my words, my steps my thoughts in light of eternity, but boy do I fall short. I keep thinking please Lord just look at Jesus, not at me, at the cross, not at me, at the blood, not at me. I am praying that these next days I will just look at Jesus, at the cross, at the blood and love. I pray that He will mold my heart just a little more like his, I pray that I wouldn't even when something goes well say look at me now, but that I would say, look at Jesus, look at the cross, look at his blood, Grace all Grace.