Leaving Tomorrow

It was hard tonight....hit me like a ton of bricks. I am leaving tonight, so excited to be in Malawi again, but my very heart is here at home. Julian and Jude and I spend all of our time together, a couple times a month I am off for a couple hours without them, but other than that we are together.

Was I surprised that Jude was grumpy all day? YES
Did I think that today would be perfect, easy and only fun? YES

My prayer is this, that I would follow Jesus even when it is hard, even when my eyes fill with tears at the very thought. Follow, Die, Follow Die.

Will my children ever know why their mom went to Malawi, not just once now, but twice. Why did God ask us to go, to care, to love. I told John that I hoped this was the last time I had to leave them behind, I just want them with me, I want them to see what we see, to know what we know and to care, to love as well.

John and I think and pray for Malawi every day, pictures scroll through our living room, keeping us there, not letting us forget or walk away. It almost feels like it could get lost from us if we stop going, stop talking, stop reading, stop seeing. We are holding on tight to Jesus and he keeps taking us back to Malawi.

Isaac talked about God speaking. Amy (or Lisa) said "God speaks", truly he does. Audibly, subtly, internally, through nature, through people, through miracles. The last words I heard from God were over a year ago now. "I use my people". I pray that I become someone that he can use, someone at his very disposal to do with as he pleases.

I want to be moldable, I want to only think about my words, my steps my thoughts in light of eternity, but boy do I fall short. I keep thinking please Lord just look at Jesus, not at me, at the cross, not at me, at the blood, not at me. I am praying that these next days I will just look at Jesus, at the cross, at the blood and love. I pray that He will mold my heart just a little more like his, I pray that I wouldn't even when something goes well say look at me now, but that I would say, look at Jesus, look at the cross, look at his blood, Grace all Grace.